


There is No Happiness Above Being With You

by verdantspace



Series: The Rippled Reflection of a Monster [2]
Category: Monster (Manga), Monster (Manga/Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 23:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verdantspace/pseuds/verdantspace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After officially becoming lovers, Tenma and Johan moved in together. Johan asked for something and Tenma was at a loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There is No Happiness Above Being With You

**Author's Note:**

> Cross posted on [my tumblr](http://marchstrous-wag.tumblr.com/post/73560887214/i-am-feeling-productive-so-have-another-fic-i).

“Is that the last of the boxes?” A blond head peeked through piling stacks of boxes. Scattered on the golden locks were pieces of hairpins, keeping the bangs out of the owner’s eyes.

“Yeah,” Tenma answered, putting down the cardboard box in his arms and stretched, “Are you sure these are all your stuff?”

“Mhm, why do you ask?”

The Japanese man shrugged, “Well, it’s not...much. Isn’t college year supposed to be the period where you collect as much knick knacks as possible?”

His blond haired lover stood up and stalked towards him, white shirt as pristine as his skin. “Other than my notebook and laptop, I only have clothes and books. Unlike you, I actually clean my dorm once every month and throw away all the junk.”

The last sentence was said with a teasing lilt the doctor had grown very fond of.

“And that is why your dorm room looks barely lived on,” Tenma countered.

“I’m not going to live there anymore, aren’t I? Besides,” Johan said, casually looping his arms around Tenma’s neck, “I’d be troubling you had I brought too many things. This apartment is stuffed full as it is.”

Tenma reciprocated by resting his hands on Johan’s slender hips, fingers trickling along the bones there. He was in no mood to talk, as much as he enjoyed their harmless banter, so he settled by making a noise of agreement. Knocking their foreheads together, the doctor looked straight into pools of blue of Johan’s eyes, this time not obscured by blond forelocks, courtesy of the hairpins. A smile of consent from Johan, and he moved forward to seal their lips together.

Four months ago, Tenma wouldn’t have guessed that kissing Johan with such ease and familiarity was possible. He couldn’t pinpoint when and how exactly it became like that, because Johan was not a particularly clingy lover. But for some reason, he would find himself in situations where pushing his lips against Johan’s pale ones were just...inevitable.

Instances like when the doctor was sorting through his notes on his work table and would find Johan sitting in front of him, smiling in encouragement, offering a cup of coffee and his pleasant company. It was easy to lean forward and kiss him in gratitude. Or when Johan just stepped out of the shower in the morning –no doubt using up all the hot water, when he stayed over. The young man’s skin would seem softer and suppler, flushed from head to toe and it was easy to wrap him in his arms and kiss the reddened lips, ripe and yielding from the heat. Sometimes it was the moments where the blond would subtly glide into his personal space, wearing a shirt one size too big and a wicked smile. He was certain Johan was to blame for that last part.

Now the act of kissing seemed like a natural thing for them, and both relished in the intimacy and security it brought. Tenma nipped at Johan’s upper lip, coaxing a noise of surprise followed by a low purr from the younger man. As they got more and more used to the way each other kiss, Tenma learned that Johan preferred gentle nips and pecks on his lips instead of a tangle of tongues. Just like the type of kisses children would like to have from their mothers when they were feeling affectionate. It was comforting to know that a walking perfection like Johan had an unexpected childish side.

Usually the younger man would be satisfied with their bordering on innocent exchange of kisses, so when Tenma felt a hint of tongue brushing along the seam of his lips, he was surprised. Pleasantly, to be honest. It was a signal for him to deepen the kiss, so he did. He lapped gently at Johan’s incisors, asking further entrance and was granted his way inside with a shuddering sigh.

They seldom kissed using tongue, so Johan’s movement was still hesitant and awkward even though he was the one who initiated it. The doctor, being the more experienced lover, patiently coaxed the young man’s tongue to play. It took time for the blond to gain confidence, and when he did, his tongue brushed the roof of Tenma’s mouth. The boldness caught the black haired man off guard for a second that he grabbed at the back of Johan’s neck, fingers unintentionally brushing against the sensitive skin there. The full body shudder that shook Johan’s body reverberated through Tenma’s also, making them both lightheaded.

The sensation proved to be too much for Johan, who pulled away and hid his face on Tenma’s shoulder. The older man let him, his thumb on Johan’s nape making circular motion in apology. The low, pleased rumble coming from Johan’s chest brought a smile on his face. His lover was adorable in ways that people would not expect, and Tenma liked it that way. Some seconds later, Johan raised his face.

“You want to...” a sharp exhale of breath, “take this to bed?”

Johan’s eyes were glazed over, glassy and unfocused. Tenma gulped. So this was one of those days, then. There were days where Tenma got a sharp reminder that Johan was a twenty year old who had moments where his hormones got the better of him. The temptation to just take what was conveniently offered was hard to resist, but he let his head win this time.

“Yes, let’s,” he said, lightly removing Johan’s arms that stayed around his neck the whole time, “to sleep. You must be tired dealing with all these boxes. We’ll continue tomorrow.”

A look of surprise passed through Johan’s face, quickly replaced with an expression filled with unbearable ennui, “As you wish, doctor.”

With that, Johan sharply turned around and made his way to the bedroom. He flopped on the unmade bed without preamble, grabbing one of Tenma’s pillows and hugging it tight to his chest. Following the younger man inside and setting his sight on his lover, Tenma scratched at his own hair. Johan’s gradually reappearing childlike side was delightful, but on the other hand, it was starting to give Tenma unnecessary headache.

“Hey,” he whispered, brushing Johan’s shoulder and settling beside him, “Come on, don’t be like that. You know I did it –or well, didn’t do it for a reason.”

Johan stayed quiet.

“Johan.” He added firmness to his voice, a tone he often used on stubborn patients, “Look at me properly, let’s talk this out. You’re not going to solve anything by sulking.”

When he was met with another bout of silence, Tenma gritted his teeth and flopped face up on the bed, feeling insufferably worn out. Johan was content with ignoring him, so he was not going to do anything about it until the younger man was feeling favorable again. No point on having a conversation with someone who was adamant on not listening to him. The doctor found himself feeling bitter; he hated arguing with Johan. He enjoyed their raillery, sure, it was nice serving and receiving harmless teasing with his lover, but this was another situation entirely. Tenma remembered the first time Johan decided he was worthy of a bout of silent treatment.

***

Tenma had just finished another late night operation, a request from the director of the hospital he worked in. The patient was a famous senior actress who collapsed due to brain hemorrhage and the director seemed to deem Tenma the only doctor who was skilled enough to perform the operation, despite it not being his practice hours. It was a success and Tenma felt happy but definitely not rejuvenated. He needed to sleep if he wanted to be on time for work later this morning. After parking his car and making his way upstairs, he reached the door to his apartment easily and opened it.

Once inside, he was met with an incensed looking Johan, his eyes hard and mouth turned down. The younger man was wearing a white blue dress shirt and jeans, indicating that he just arrived at Tenma’s apartment, using the spare key the older man gave him in the beginning of their relationship. He relished in the look of joyful glee in Johan’s eyes as he cradled the key, putting it inside of his wallet with utmost care. The look in the blond’s eyes was a far cry from that time, now.

“Another operation? This makes it the third time this week,” he said, not even bothering with a welcome, “Sleeping is one of a human’s basic needs, you know.”

Were they really doing this now? Tenma was in danger of losing said basic need if this continued.

“Good night-”

“Morning.”

Tenma sighed, “Okay, good morning to you, too, Johan. What are you doing here? You should be in your dorms.”

“I sneaked out,” Johan said in explanation, “Don’t look at me like that, you’ve seen what the security is like.”

“Fair enough,” Tenma admitted, “Still, it’s not right for you to be here at three in the morning. And you should have contacted me first.”

“Please do not avoid the topic,” the younger stated, and Tenma knew it would be pointless to argue, “Answer the question first.”

Seeing his lover’s resolve, Tenma relented and said, “Yes, it was another operation.”

“And what kind of famous person did you manage to save this time?”

“I didn’t say that the operation was a success,” the doctor replied, ignoring the actual question.

His face relaxing, Johan’s lips curved delicately, “I have no doubt in your ability, Kenzo.”

The utter faith Johan had of his ability and the rare use of his given name made Tenma’s heart melt. As soon as the train of thought entered his head, Tenma shook his head. Johan was cheating, using ways he knew well to make Tenma pliant during arguments.

“Yeah, well, it did went well,” he countered quickly, “And that’s the only thing that matters, really.”

It looked like Johan was not satisfied with his answer, because his demeanor didn’t change in the least.

“Doctor, why do you think it was always you they call when they needed to perform an operation on someone publicly well known?” he calmly began, “Who do you think takes all the credit? It was always your director and the brilliant work of his _operation team_. If I were there to see the operation myself, I’m sure that you do enough work for all of them to deserve personal mention.”

The accusation hit home like a freight train. It was almost exactly as the younger man said; how he was always called when they were dealing with a celebrity, how he was always the one most exhausted after the operation, how the morning news only brought about the success of the director and the hospital. Deep down, Tenma knew that he was only a pawn in a big game, ready to be used and discarded when he had no use anymore.

That thought aside, when Tenma got the call, he didn’t think about how the director was using him for the hospital’s profit. The only thoughts filling his head were how happy he was to have his boss’ trust and the patient’s condition. He knew he was naive, but he only did what he thought was the right thing to do.

He faced the student head on and tried to keep a cool head as he said, “Johan, think of the tight spot I’m in. Famous person or not, a patient is still a patient and they all have equal value for me. I did the operation partly because it was my superior’s order, but mainly because I want to save a patient! Is that a bad thing?”

Johan looked exasperated, as unpleased with the dispute as Tenma was, “When they finally show their true colors and order you to leave an untended patient to care for a celebrity, what then? Will you stand your ground or choose between your moral obligation and career?”

That made Tenma froze. He always dreaded for that day to come, but a voice inside his head told him it was only a matter of time. As the argument went on, he knew that his lover was right all along, that the board of directors in his hospital would stoop as low as ignoring a doctor’s ethic code altogether, but he didn’t want to acknowledge that. Admitting it in front of Johan would make it a reality Tenma didn’t want to face just yet.

“I just...” he said, and was ashamed when he realized the voice sounded weak even to his own ears, “wanted to save her. Was that too much to ask?”

The last part came out like a choke, and Tenma cringed. He avoided the younger’s unwavering gaze, body strung and muscles tense. As the seconds ticked by, he finally heard a light tap on the floor. Johan’s bare feet padded along the tiled floor made cold by the chilly autumn night, even though the younger did not seem to care the slightest. Tenma felt fingers on his chest, their circular motion meant to soothe. The scent and comforting presence of his younger lover invaded his personal space, making him lightheaded. He felt Johan’s nose nuzzling his neck, asking for attention, and couldn’t help but to wrap his arms around the blond.

“Doctor, my dear doctor,” Johan said, the familiar nickname spilled from his lips like a mixture of admiration and mockery, “there are things in life you should not treat with kindness no matter how much of a saint you are. The snakes you call ‘boss’ are one of them.”

The utter hatred with which Johan was addressing his superior was both calming and worrying. He was happy that Johan stood up for him, pleased that no matter what happened, he had his firm support. It was supposed to be enough to ease his stormy conscience, but after the seed had been planted, it was hard to dismiss the thought.

“Then what can we do about it?” Tenma said in a desperate tone, tightening his hold on Johan’s body, “What can _you_ do about it? I’m only from a normal family in Japan, Johan, and it had not been an easy walk for me to gain the privilege of being a doctor in Germany. This is what I’ve always wanted to do, and I can’t barge in to the director’s office and accuse him of using me without endangering my job.”

Tenma waited, wanting to know what Johan had to say to that. The younger man seemed passive and calculating, his eyes hidden from view. When he lifted his head to come face to face with the doctor once more, Tenma felt a shiver running through his spine. It was that demeanor again. He could feel that eerie atmosphere coming from Johan in waves, and the close proximity only served to make them stronger. It had been so long since he was faced with this that it caught him completely off guard.

“Would you leave it to me?” the younger said, a reassuring smile on his face, “If you would just leave it to me, I can make it right. I can make everything alright for you, dear doctor. Anything for you.”

That was supposed to be a reassuring line, but Tenma felt only discomfort. What could Johan possibly do? Even though he was superiorly intelligent and unusually captivating for his age, he was still a student. There was no way the director would listen to the words of a student which major was not even of a medical branch. Then what would Johan do if talking was out of the question? The very confidence Johan had in making things right for him should make worry him for the young man, but for some reason, he was uneasy for his boss. It was a halting, inexplicable thought that he did not want to dwell on so he took a deep breath and tried to steer clear of the topic.

“No, Johan, you don’t need to,” he said, cupping the younger’s cheek and stroking the soft skin, “It’s okay. I can handle this. Just be here for me? I’m grateful enough to have you here with me.”

With that, he bent down and kissed the supple lips. Johan tasted like tea with a hint of sugar, and he found comfort in the familiarity. After a few seconds, Johan’s lack of response was starting to confuse him, so he gave one final peck and let go.

“What’s...”

“Are you trying to distract me?” Johan said, his voice soft but cutting, “I didn’t know you would assert to lowly methods, doctor.” Then, with a swivel of his hips, he was gone.

Johan left Tenma standing there, gaping and devoid of the younger’s warmth. He wondered what he did wrong and ruffled his hair in frustration. Following his lover into the bedroom, Tenma only hoped that their first argument would not turn ugly. Johan ended up not speaking a word to him until the evening of the next day. The silence was maddening, but at least it didn’t end up being a break up, he solaced himself.

***

Too lost in his reminiscence, Tenma wasn’t aware of movements to his left and let out a squeak when he found his lap full of Johan. The young man peered down at him with wide, blue eyes, the look on them challenging. The older man stared with incredulous eyes. Now this was something new.

“You stopped talking,” the student observed.

“Well, you seem resolute on giving me the silent treatment,” Tenma replied, “so I figured nothing would come out of me talking without you even listening.”

“Let us talk now,” Johan shifted on top of him, his weight now resting on his own hands and knees, and Tenma was very grateful of the fact that their crotches at least stayed on a respectable distance.

“I just don’t understand,” Johan began, his eyes reflecting pure curiosity, “Aren’t we lovers? Aren’t we supposed to?”

“Supposed to?” Tenma repeated, voice incredulous, “Johan, couples are not _supposed_ to have sex. It is expected of them and considered generally as the highest form of intimacy between two people because it requires trust, but that doesn’t mean it’s an obligation. That’s because you need consent before having sex. Nothing should force anyone to do it if they don’t want to.”

Johan’s entire face fell. “Then you don’t want to?”

Tenma didn’t have anything to say to that, not when the question was voiced with sheer sadness and blatant inquisitiveness. It was much easier to decline a bold invitation than having to explain to the other party his supposed reluctance to have sex. He looked straight into his lover’s eyes and held eye contact.

“Believe me, I want to,” the doctor said, eyes raking through Johan’s body on top of him, “Some days, I have no idea why I had been able to resist for so long.”

With an almost reverent focus, he ran his hand down Johan’s side, then back up again, this time slipping underneath his shirt. He felt goose bumps rising on the younger’s flesh, electrifying his own fingers. He put one hand on Johan’s waist and the other between his shoulder blades, feeling it heave with each intake of breath. Then he continued to explore the soft skin, alternating between strokes and massages.

“Doctor Ten...” Johan was enjoying his ministrations, if his undulating body was anything to go by, but a tickle at his sensitive hip bone made his body go tense, “Kenzo, don’t, I- ah!”

If Johan’s sharp gasp was not enough to make him stop, it was the utterance if his given name. He stared at the young man on top of him, eyes wide. Tenma really needed to keep himself in check in front of this man, because he didn’t realize that he had fallen into a trance of some kind earlier. Tenma took pride in his self-control. He was always a patient lover, always waiting for the right moment where his partner would feel comfortable enough with him. Moreover, he was more than ten years older than Johan, and he had made it his duty to protect the younger man, even from himself. But now, looking at the view in front of him, he couldn’t really blame his instincts for wanting to pounce.

Johan’s face was red and lips bitten dark pink, a sheen of sweat covering his temple, neck, and a considerable expanse of his back even though it was not easy for his body to warm up. His hair still pinned down by the hair clips, only some stubborn flaxen strands escaping their confines, but not covering Johan’s glazed, confused eyes. On his daily life, Johan was the perfect china doll, always so regal and untouchable, not a hair out of place. So when his feathers were ruffled the slightest bit, it was enough to make him look debauched.

“Sorry, oh god, sorry,” Tenma said, patting the younger man’s sides in apology. Johan only nodded, but the blush on his face stayed intact. His eyes were now fixed on the general direction of Tenma’s chest. It was quite rare, seeing as Johan was the kind of person who prefers to maintain eye contact when interacting with others.

“Johan,” the older said, his fingers gently undoing the hair clips from Johan’s hair, mostly to find something else for his hands to do other than keep touching his younger lover’s nice smelling skin. As his fingers weaved through golden strands, Tenma purposefully massaged the scalp, knowing how much the other loved it. The action made Johan positively docile, his eyes drooping and a deep, satisfied sigh fell from his lips. The doctor smiled at the sight.

“Better?” he said, voice barely a whisper.

“You are a cheater,” Johan said, leaning his head towards the hypnotic movements of Tenma’s hand. Skilled fingers, indeed. “Yet I just can’t stay irate at you for long. You’re going to destroy me one day.”

A press at a particular spot, and Johan almost preened, “Please keep doing that,” he demanded.

Tenma grinned at the endearing request, “If it’s any consolation, I think we’re going to be each other’s end. You know, that doesn’t terrify me as much as it should.” In response, he got an unrestrained laugh from the blond.

“Nice to know that. Moreover,” he said, vision teasing the proximity of Tenma’s belt, “It’s reassuring to know that touching me affects you _that_ much. At least I don’t need to doubt your interest anymore.”

Tenma panicked, pushing Johan from on top of him that the youth landed beside him with a quiet _oomph_. He grabbed the comforter from under the bed and used it to cover his crotch, protecting what was left of his modesty. As he looked at Johan’s still very amused face, he couldn’t help but to curse his manhood for betraying him.

The blond youth had a wide grin on his face, not even bothering to hide how pleased he was. He laughed again; a tinkling sound that was so utterly happy which he rarely emitted. Seeing his lover looking as blissful as he was, the doctor couldn’t help but to reluctantly smile.

“Oh, come here, you,” he said, opening his arms wide and scooting to make place for Johan in his arms.

The blond gave him a playful smile, “Are you sure you don’t want to, uh,” he paused, as if looking for the right words, “cool down first?”

The raven haired man flustered at that, but quickly regained his cool and used force to pull Johan into his arms. The student jokingly struggled at first, but as soon as he was enveloped inside Tenma’s arms, he sighed and burrowed himself closer, stealing most of the comforter.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, content and happy to share body warmth. Tenma regarded the dozing youth in his embrace, and he wondered how he got so lucky. Johan was young, beautiful, intellectual and charming. He had what Hitler would refer as the perfect Aryan look; pale, unblemished skin, blond hair, soft blue eyes, and whenever they walked together, the Asian couldn’t help but to notice how his black hair and yellow skin paled in comparison. At times like that, Johan would never fail to notice his insecurity. The youth would give him a swift peck on the cheek, his lips lingering beside Tenma’s ears and said,

“You’re perfect for me, my dear doctor.”

He was grateful to be reminded of how precious the young man curled up in his arms was for him. When Tenma felt that the body he was supporting was getting heavier, he realized that Johan really was falling asleep. He shifted for a little bit, getting the pillow under his head and the comforter to properly cover them both.

“Johan,” he said, aware that in his sleepy state, Johan was ten times more pliant, “Sorry for not giving you what you ask for, but please give it more time. Think about it carefully, because once we’ve crossed that line, there’s no going back. I don’t want you to regret anything you’ve done with me, because you are dear to me. But this I can promise you,” he put his mouth close to his lover’s ear, “When you are ready to be stripped bare in front of me, I will give you just as much. From there, we can destroy each other all we want and rebuild the pieces without remorse.”

The only response he got was a mumble of, “I’m sleepy, you cheater,” and a halfhearted slap on his arm. Tenma chuckled, squeezing his lover one last time and let out a heartfelt yawn. He scrubbed at his eyes and finally settled to succumb to sleep.

“Good night,” he whispered to the already sleeping Johan, a contented smile on his face.

 

_欲ばったんじゃないのに_ __  
_わがまましなかったのに_ __  
_ほしかったんじゃない　愛したかったのに_ _  
__ごめんなさい　うまく言えない　ごめんなさい_

_It’s not like I was asking for too much_

_Even though I wasn’t being selfish_

_It’s not like I wanted you, I just wanted to love you_

_I’m sorry, I cannot find the words, I’m sorry_

_-_ _Aiko, Oyayubi no Tsukaikata (The Use of Your Thumb)_


End file.
